Journal 105 New Year

I've been struggling with writer's block for a number of days now, as I've been emailing my friend L., and nothing is inspiring me. Also, as I've alluded to in other posts--alot of stuff I've dreamed up lately is un-bloggable. Meaning, it's in my head, and for now it has to stay there, sadly.

I haven't really made any resolutions, not even casual ones, and I haven't written down any goals, and I know I should (resolution: write down goals).

I've thought alot about what this blog is to me, this blog I've been writing on for going on three years. It takes up alot of my writing time, and I am good with that--it's what Natalie Goldberg calls "writing practice". It's like training, for a race, for a marathon, building up strength, laying down the groundwork, for a lack of a better description.

I've been doing writing practice for a long time, just like I've been running for a long time. And it takes time to do the build-up.
I feel like, despite all the practicing, that I'm only just beginning to scratch the surface in both areas, especially when I spend the day on the couch working on not one, but two discarded blog entries, and when I skip journalling to finish the book I'm reading, and when I roll back over in bed, or lie on the couch, instead of putting my running shoes on and getting out there to get another run in, one that I needed to do yesterday, and today, and didn't do.
So much for resolve.

I return back to the Martha Beck article I read in Oprah magazine a couple of months.
I do need alot of sleep anyway, but these last few months have been epic. And I remind myself that this is my way of coping with life's ups and downs sometimes, life's uncertainty. The sleeping, the reading, the solitude I need so much, all signs of my spectacular burn-out, burn-out not just in my work-life, but in my life-life.
So for 2012, I'm not doing too much goal-setting, not too much rewiring of my life.
I'm tending to stick to what is working--listening to myself, my body, my mind, their requests for rest, for recovery, for removal from stress. And I am going to honour those requests.

The time for change, for me, is coming, it's coming in its first form in a matter of a couple of days-I'm going to be a wife for the first time, a new role, one that I fully intend to embrace, one that intend to put first in my life, and I'm certain that some of things that used to be first are going to have a tough time with that.

So, on this first day of 2012, it's not just a new year--it's a new life (it's a new life, really, every single day. We can make it that way, if we want). New life means some blog changes, and some running changes too. It means I'm going to be going deeper, and the posts may just be updates, just 'practice'. My 'real' writing is going to continue, off the blog, off the hook, truer to myself, more driven, more purposeful. I will still give my opinions on life, my lists, my questions and answers, and I will try to post snippets of some of the 'side writing' I'll be doing, to keep readers reading.

I promise not to disappoint. Perhaps that's the only resolution I want to make, need to make. I promise not to disappoint you, and more importantly, not to disappoint myself.
We deserve better.